Do you ever just wish that you couldn’t remember the bad things that happened to you when you were younger? Or that the voices in your head would just shut up? Or that your brain would just stop playing the horrific moments of your past? Well the answer is no because this is going to be a part of your life until you die.
I still remember the screaming. I still remember hearing glass shattering when it hit the ground. I remember seeing the door close and hearing myself cry for hours. This happened for two years of my life until one evening something happened. There was more screaming then usual…more banging than usual. Then I heard it. The thing that saved my life. It was sirens. Someone pulled me out of the dark. I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was just a small human…a baby. The well dressed man with a badge and weapons moved and took me out of my own hell. Then everything went dark. I was sleeping. I finally could have a quiet and relaxing slumber.
I was put in foster care. You would never think as a parent your child would be taken from you and moved to a new home. The police and the CAS made a good choice on putting me in foster care because with being in my birth home, I would have been dead. Anna, my birth mom just couldn’t be a mother. She was a horrible mother letting her abusive partner do horrible things to her children and they weren’t even his kids.
For a whole year I was moved from an emergency placement to a short term placement to another short term placement and then finally to a long term placement.
I have 3 older brothers named Steve, Jared and Mike. Steve and Jared were placed somewhere else. Mike and myself never got split up. When it was time for us to move from the emergency placement that was located in Trenton, Ontario the CAS decided that us being together wouldn’t benefit anyone due to me being a massive screamer and him being extremely hyper. We were split up. I got moved to two short term placements in Belleville Ontario. Then one day my worker Natalie came to visit me.
“Esme, I got some news for you!” Natalie said hoping that I would get all excited.
“Okay, What is it?” I asked thinking that I might have done something wrong.
“Well, we finally were able to find you the perfect home” Natalie mentioned with a smile.
“Oh!” I was thrilled to find that out. I was so speechless.
“The family you are going to be living with…” I interrupted her to ask her a very important question.
“Will they have Dollies?” I asked with a stern face.
Natalie laughed and then replied “Yes of course”
“I like these people! Okay continue please” I said with a smile.
“So in a few days you will be moving in with the Castles family” She said but I interrupted her again.
“Do they have cookies?” I asked with a smirk.
I was obsessed with cookies. Everyone always made sure they had cookies in there pantry for me.
“I believe they do”
“Yay! Can you take me now?”
“No!” She said while laughing.
I moved in with the Castles family and when I first saw them it was positively a match. I also liked that they had another girl living with them. I was her younger sister. Her name was Jadea. I lived with the Castles as a foster child but at age 12 they officially adopted me. I have lived with them for about 12 years. I’m 16 years old now and everything is starting to catch up to me.
I look in the mirror now a days and I see the same person I have seen my whole life but then I look deeper and I see someone who is hurt, Who’s depressed. The voices all they are saying is depression, anxiety, suicide and nothing. The thing is I’m not suicidal I’m far from that. Some are yelling different things that I sometimes can’t understand.
“Go kill yourself”
“No one likes you”
Then there are the good voices telling me the exact opposite.
“Everyone likes you”
“You’re so special”
There are the voices but then there comes the pictures. Oh…those frightening, vivid images. I never have a quite, relaxing sleep anymore. I’m so afraid to close my eyes. Afraid that when I do that I will never wake up. That they will suck me under. That they will keep me locked up in that closet again and I would never be able to escape again. That no one will come and save me like the man in the badge did.
I ask myself who I am really fighting in those dreams. But then I realised it was myself. It’s my past haunting me.
“DAD” I wake up crying and panicking. I’m sweating buckets and I could barely get any words out of my mouth. My dad finally comes in.
”Esme, what’s wrong? Are you okay? He asks examining me and my state.
“It happened again”
“Everything is okay. You’re not there anymore. You’re here. You’re safe.”
“What makes you think he won’t find me again? Dad, I’m in high school now. If he finds me he can threaten the school or hurt people there and it would be my entire fault”
“Look Esme, that won’t happen. We haven’t seen him for 5 years now. I don’t even think he is still with your birth mom. I should have waited till you were 18 to tell you everything” He said with an upset face.
“Dad, no… I needed to know” I told him making him know it wasn’t his fault.
I went back to bed and my dad went back downstairs and I heard him talking to someone on the phone. I think he is still trying to find someone for me to talk to about everything.
I have been having these nightmares for many years. They are all about my past. The hardest thing is that I always watch my back thinking that someone’s going to take me back to my hell. Hell no that’s not even the hardest thing. The hardest thing was going through elementary with no friends. They never got to know me and to understand me. They saw me as someone from the bible that people were always called “Unclean”.
They saw me and just saw a foster kid who wasn’t worth the time. Someone who is just trash. They bullied me all through elementary making up bullshit stories. Making me feel bad about myself. So many times I came home crying. I’m now in grade 11 and it still makes me upset to talk about the bullying, me being in foster care and me before I was put in foster care.
Recently, I got a message from my birth mom. My anxiety reached its maximum. I was so in shock that I wanted to burn the computer. When she texted me everything happened all over again. I could hear the screaming, the crashing of glass and then being put in the closet but this time no one came to save me. I was so confused. Then I realised. None of that ever happened because… I never left.